Nature vs. Nurture

Several years back (more than I'd like to admit), I took several child development classes at Wittenberg University as a part of my Psychology major there. I remember in those days, discussions with my classmates about the whole, "Nature vs. Nurture" debate.

Back then, while I believed that "nature," or the genetic component, had some merit, I was convinced that a child's "nurture" or home environment and upbringing deserved much more weight than most researchers were giving it.

As we were raising our four biological children through the toddler and preschool years, I would have still stood firm on the "nurture" end of the scale.

Enter our adopted son, Jameson.


I think I have finally reached "adulthood" in this area and am now "sold" on the "nature" part of the theory, as well.

Our not-quite-three-year-old has been raised since birth in the same type of home environment as our other children. While he did endure some "abuse and neglect" in-utero (alcohol and drug exposure), he has not had any kind of traumatic experiences or home life since birth.

Michael and I discipline him in similar ways to how we disciplined our other children. He has a secure, stable and loving home environment. He gets lots of opportunities to grow cognitively and explore his world.

He may even have it "better" than the other kids did. He gets much of my undivided attention as the age span between him and our next youngest, Ethan, is 6 years. He has four siblings who take the time to teach him things. They are so patient with him. So loving. They like to spend part of their own allowances on him. They are his cheerleaders with every new accomplishment.
And Michael and I have now gone through the baby, toddler and preschool years several times over and have (hopefully) learned from our many mistakes along the way.


Despite all this, it seems that nothing has prepared us for raising a child who was not, "knit together" in this Mom's womb! Jameson has a whole different set of DNA!

Apart from the very obvious skin color and hair texture differences, he has also been our only, "off the charts" kid in regards to height and weight.

The other kids' slim-style jeans won't even make it past his ankles! And we had to buy him size 8 underwear to use for toilet training! We need to find shoes with an extra wide width if we hope to get his feet into them.

All of his little cuts and scratches turn pink as they heal, then leave behind a "scar" that is much lighter than the rest of his skin tone. He only needs his hair washed about once a week. He indeed has some very different physical traits built into his genetics!

And while at first glance, these might be the only noticeable differences, there are so many other ways in which this similar home environment still brings with it significant differences in personality, interests, learning style and behavior!

While all four of our other children went through the "terrible two's" with varying degrees of intensity, their tantrums pale in comparison to Jameson's quest for independence. Despite being placed on medication for his ADHD at such a young age, he still cannot sit still - literally!


I find myself frequently looking at other children of similar age and marvel at how their parents can say, "Now, stay right here beside me," and the children do! Despite his size, I have to squeeze poor Jameson into a shopping cart at the grocery store because even when he is "at his best," he is always a "flight risk!"

Jameson can get overwhelmed by his environment and all the stimuli in it. He notices every open door (and has a compulsion to shut it), every change in lighting, and every little sound. While he is calmed by the feeling of ice in his mouth (whatever would I do without ice pops - he eats 3-4 a day!), he cannot handle the feeling of cold or wind on his body.

And while he needs constant reminders of his boundaries, he can remember what he was doing the last time he wore an outfit, 3 months ago! He seems to absorb minuscule details of his environment, but cannot remember to look where he is going and frequently bumps into walls.

And all of these differences hit a little "too close to home" when I take him to activities with other "typically developing" children his age.

Today, I took him to a program for preschoolers at a local park. He was the only child who could not sit down to listen to a story, who could not whisper and who kept tripping on poor girls' fingers as he clumsily clobbered around in his boots.

He had to stay indoors with me while the others went on a "nature hike" because he could not handle the cold and the wind (and I could not carry all 50 pounds of him for that length of time!).


And while all the other children could sit on little rugs by the fireplace to eat their snack, Jameson had to sit on the couch with me. He simply could not resist the impulse to stand up and try to touch the fire. And he lacks the coordination to walk anywhere near it (or the little girl who still winced when he walked near her fingers).

He was the only child who had a meltdown after finishing the two gummy worms that were a part of the provided snack. While he melted onto the floor with uncontrollable sobs, the other children just sat quietly and stared at the drama unfolding before them.

And although no parent said anything to me, I am sure they were thinking, "That child just needs some discipline and boundaries!" Perhaps they looked lovingly at their child and thought, "I am so glad he/she does not act like that!"

But I somehow managed to get my little guy off the floor and into his coat. While trying to carry him as he kicked and screamed, I politely excused us and thanked everyone for the "fun" time we had there.

And my otherwise brave little man requested the hood be put up on his coat (it was still windy) as I carried him and hobbled to the car. As I struggled to snap his large body into the car seat with his bulky coat, I gave him his milk and kissed his wet cheeks.

He looked at me and with trembling lips said, "My sorry, Mommy. My try to obey. It too tricky!"


With tears running down my cheeks too, I told him, "I know, it can be so tricky! Thank you for trying! And thank you for going with me on this very special date! Mommy loves you just the way you are!"

And even with all those sweet little preschoolers sitting calmly by the fire and allowing their parents to engage in conversation together, I really meant it!

His words are so profound. Most things for a preschooler can be a bit tricky. For Jameson, this "trickiness" is compounded by some chemical and genetic predispositions, of which he has no control.

Some days are more challenging than others with my little guy. And there certainly are moments (okay, many of them!), when I would give anything for a calm and predictable preschooler.

But I will choose to rejoice with him when he is able to overcome some of these challenges. And the next time I pick him up from a class, I will rejoice with him when he says, "Mama! My make good choice! My no hit teacher today!"


I cannot do anything to change his "nature," but by God's grace, I will continue to "nurture" him and let him know that I love him even when he has lost all control of his emotions!

And I will no longer discredit the "nature" part of our lives - both the sin nature and the genetic one!